


Trashmouth: Old Kid on the Block

by orphan_account



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Comedian Richie Tozier, Coming Out, Established Relationship, Famous Richie Tozier, Fix-It, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, M/M, Married Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), Richie Tozier's Stand Up Act, but it’s not a big deal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24855268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “The next thing I know, me and my husband are coming to in a Denny’s parking lot.”An excerpt from Richie “Trashmouth” Tozier’s latest comedy special.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 3
Kudos: 199





	Trashmouth: Old Kid on the Block

The following is a partial transcript of Richie “Trashmouth” Tozier’s latest Netflix special,  _ Trashmouth: Old Kid on the Block. _

Hello Chicago! It’s me, Trashmouth Tozier, hitting you with an all new set and an all new wardrobe. That’s right, I ditched the flip flops and got myself some nice walking sandals. A big change, I know.

But enough about shoes. Where have I been? That’s a complicated question. On the one hand I could answer, but on the other hand I don’t want to, so I’m not going to. Just assume the worst. In your mind, let me go on a year long bender where I got married in Vegas and set fire to the sun.

But seriously, why do people always assume the worst of celebrities? I mean, sure, we have more drug addictions than the general population. And yes, I’m counting myself as a celebrity. Someone once knew my stage name while mugging me, which I think is the bar for fame. But back to drugs, that glorious topic. Sure, I’ve done a little bit of cocaine in my day. Only sometimes, as a treat. And yes, I did almost take a speedball at a party in college, a fact that gives my husband heart palpitations whenever he thinks about it. But that doesn’t mean I have a drug addiction! I could be out of commission for deeply boring reasons!

For example, I love collecting candles. And not just because they often look like dicks. A few months ago I got lost in a candle store near my house for three hours. My husband found me in the back corner hugging all the “Summer Breeze” candles. But scented candles really are the shit you guys. Sometimes I’ll just sit in my room with a candle burning doing absolutely nothing.

If I ever go missing again, it’s much more likely that I’ve found a candle commune than anything else. If anyone knows some place where I’d be allowed to just dip candles for weeks on end, please let me know. Me and my husband never went on our honeymoon, and manual labor’s a great way to make up for that.

Aw, look at my husband! He’s glaring at me from the front row! Adorable!

He’s still glaring and shaking his head, for everyone who can’t see the short man glowering in the front row. He’s so full of anger that one. I once heard his coworker describe him as having “strong chihuahua energy”, which is really the most apt description for him. And that coworker hasn’t even seen my husband during sex.

By the way, before I continue, my husband has approved this whole script. He looked over it and said the most embarrassing thing was that I made money off this nonsense. Then he told me he was proud of me and sent me on my merry way. Pretty mixed signals.

But my husband during sex is a truly unique phenomenon. Not to brag, but I was the second guy he ever slept with. Second! And the first was a Grindr date I set him up with! Zach, if you’re out there, my husband thinks you were a fantastic one night stand.

Now, during this part of the show, I was going to talk about my husband’s teenage esque libido. I was going to discuss his thing for rubber ducks, a kink that I’ll let you ponder yourselves. I was going to talk about a lot of things. However, everything I wrote either sounded like erotica or blathering nonsense, so I’m instead going to talk about my husband’s tie collection.

My husband’s tie collection is frankly terrifying. There’s no better way to put it. He keeps it in a mahogany box in our closet, with each of his thirty-one ties arranged by color. Every day of the month he moves one step down the color wheel, beginning back on red on the first day of the month.

I’ll be honest with you guys. It took me a month to realize that he was switching his ties. They’re all so close that you just assume they're the same! My husband is straight up just fucking with the rest of the world. It’s such a power move that I almost feel like opening that mahogany box would be like opening the ark of the covenant. I look inside and suddenly my face is just dripping off my skull.

I actually got my husband a novelty tie with little clowns on it for his birthday last month. He thanked me, then immediately found a cardboard box in the recycling. He put the tie in it and placed it next to his arc of the covenant box. I’m still trying to figure out if it was a sign of affection or the ultimate diss.

I’m sure by this point, a lot of you are stirring in your seats, trying to figure out if the Trashmouth was gay last time you saw him. The answer’s that I was, but I also talked about jerking off to my girlfriend’s Facebook friends, which, just. Yikes. 

I was honestly the worst straight guy ever. I used to date women for a while, but it never turned out well. Mostly because I would become friends with the women, but never kiss or fuck them. Eventually they would ask why, and I would flat out just smile and tell them that I found them unattractive.

Now, for those of you who don’t know, this is generally considered poor taste. And I knew it was in poor taste at the time! I was just an asshole! 

You might think I’m exaggerating, but I actually uttered that phrase, “I don’t think you’re attractive”, to four separate women I dated, word for word. I assumed we could still be friends, but apparently telling someone that their body does absolutely nothing for you sexually is a social faux pas. Strange, I know.

But my husband, he does a lot for me sexually. I mean that literally, and I also mean that I find him immensely hot. Something about being told to take a shower before sex because I’m looking unhygienic really gets my motor going. Like, mmm, yes, explain the interpersonal passage of bacteria. Yeah, baby, that’s the good stuff.

My husband is a risk analyst. It’s his job to make sure people and corporations don’t make bad decisions. He told me while listening to this for the thirtieth time that that description was a vast oversimplification of his job, but he also once described me as his roommate, which is also a vast oversimplification of my job.

Now, because my husband’s a risk analyst, it may shock you to learn that we got married in Vegas. And I can promise you that we were not sober.

It started out innocently enough. We were meeting with our friends, and my husband ordered everyone a white wine spritzer. I had a sip and, I have to admit, it was pretty good. Good enough to get a second. And why stop at two?

The next thing I know, me and my husband are coming to in a Denny’s parking lot. Of course, the logical thing to do was to get ourselves Denny’s for breakfast. I ate a heaping portion of pancakes while my husband sipped a black coffee. So we’re sitting there, eating our food, when I check my phone. All I see is a text message from my friend Bev. All it simply reads “nuptials muptials richie’s got a husband now also I had good drinks look at this cat”. There was a blurry picture of a raccoon attached. 

Now, upon seeing this, I freaked out a bit. Bev would definitely be the type to get rabies from petting a raccoon. Also the husband bit was disturbing. Me and my then-boyfriend went to the courthouse to see if we were legally married, and an exasperated clerk saw our faces and immediately sighed. Apparently we had come in the night before and gotten married. Then my husband had stolen a pen and started crying when the clerk took it back.

By the way, we’d been dating a grand total of three weeks at this point. But, tomorrow’s our one year anniversary, and I’m still head over heels in love with my angry chihuahua man. 

And with that, good night everyone! I’m Trashmouth Tozier, and that’s the show!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope y’all liked this! 
> 
> I wanted to try something completely different while writing this, and I had a lot of fun with it.


End file.
